Seminoles and other offenses

NEW YORK, New York --- Ireland became furious over a recent announcement by the NCAA to ban Native American mascots in tournaments due to their abusive and hostile nature. Ireland accused the NCAA of discrimination for not demanding the same ban on the Notre Dame Fighting Irish mascot or other mascots like the St. Mary's College Gaels (what the hell's a gael anyway?).

"These hippie bastards will ban mascots for Native Americans but not for foreigners?" said Seamus O'Malley, an Irish attorney. "I'm fightin' mad over this. I'll bust those damn wankers in the jaw to knock some sense into them. We need to have our image protected. We're sensitive, and we feel the sting of mascot insensitivity, too."

Meanwhile, other groups also felt slighted by the ban. Greeks began legal work to ban Spartan mascots from any tournaments. Descendants of the ancient city of Troy started rumblings about banning the Trojan mascot. Satanists demanded that mascots like the Blue Devils and Sun Devils be banned for insensitivity to Satanic religious beliefs. The United Way asked that the Tennessee Volunteers not disrespect volunteers around the country with their insensitive use of the term as a mascot. Pope Benedict XVI chimed in and demanded that Saints also be banned as mascots during tournaments. Spock demanded that the NCAA ban the University of Hawaii-Hilo from using the Vulcan mascot. Upon hearing the news, President Bush sent word that he was offended by Emory and Henry College's use of the Wasp mascot. PETA threatened to kill all NCAA directors if they did not include a ban on any and all animals as mascots, claiming the emotional distress caused to animals by exploiting them as mascots is irreversible in many cases.

In light of the uproar, NCAA officials said they were planning to require all schools to drop mascots and be known only by a number assigned to them by the NCAA. For example, the Duke 37's will play the North Carolina 124's. They hope this measure eliminates all insensitivity to all religions, races, creeds, cultures, fetishes, and sexual groups. The March Madness tournament will also be renamed to "The Lovingly Played Challenge Basketball Tournament Where Everyone Is a Winner" to avoid using the term "Madness," which might offend angry people or those who have gone mad.